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We’ve known that the “Aliens: Colonial Marines” Xbox game was probably going to suck ever since word spread last summer that it would contain no playable female characters. Well, now that the game has finally been released, it turns out that gender bias is the least of its problems! Mounting reviews indicate that it also has terrible animation, confusing gameplay, and almost nonexistent storytelling to contend with. One blogger muses: Is it really that hard to make a decent “Aliens” game? As he points out, designers always seem to forget that it’s Ripley — a civilian — who actually moves the story along. Usually after the tough guys with guns are reduced to Xenomorph kibble.
Doing only slightly better with the critics is Beyonce’s feature directing debut, “Beyonce: Life is But a Dream.” This documentary advertises itself as an in-depth look at the star’s inner life and thoughts, but reviews are taking B. to task for playing it too safe: “The documentary walks a muddy path between self-mystification and self-adulation without actually saying much. And her music becomes almost an afterthought.” Nobody expected “Citizen Kane,” but it’s hard to watch a perfectionist stumble, especially one who recently rode so high during her Super Bowl halftime show.
How much does Thor’s hammer weigh? Apparently astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson has got this one all figured out: if, as implied by legend, it’s made out of neutron-star matter, “it weighs as much as a herd of 300 billion elephants.” Excellent. While you’re here, Neil, can you also tell us whether it might be slightly easier to exceed the speed of light in Wonder Woman’s invisible jet?
What’s crazier: the fact that the gun-toting posses sent out by Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio to protect school-children have turned out to contain convicted sex offenders and domestic abusers, or the fact that these posses are receiving their weapons training from action movie hero Steven Seagal? “I’ve put hundreds of thousands if not millions of hours into my weapons training,” says the “Under Siege” actor, adding that he would do “anything” to protect AZ’s kids. What if that means protecting them from their “protectors”? All I can say about this is that it would make a really great Seagal comeback film…